This is your life?

I just got back from the Jars of Clay, Switchfoot and Third Day concert and I promise I will post about that tomorrow. However, it did get me thinking about a lot of things that are going around in my life right now.

This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, are you who you want to be
This is your life, is it everything you dreamed that it would be
When the world was younger and you had everything to lose

These lyrics by Switchfoot have been running through my mind. Am I who I want to be? Is my life what I wanted and dreamed it to be? That's a HUGE questions and one that the answer isn't very happy.

Because often times, no, my life isn't everything I dreamed it to be. I've done a lot of things in the past that I'm not proud of. There are things in the future that I'm not happy about. There are things that I wish I had done and things I wish that I hadn't done. I still have dreams that I'm pretty sure will never be fulfilled and experiences I had that I wish I could give back. For example:

I'm mortified when I think back on the way that I treated people I didn't like when I was little.

I'm ashamed how I was like the silent Mean Girl. I stood by while my friends were cruel to each other and to those who didn't deserve it.

I wish that I had been more social in college.

I regret letting myself get overweight and I struggle with trying to keep that from happening every single day.

I wanted to be a rockstar. I wanted to be on a stage under bright lights and have hundreds of people cheer for me and sing along with me.

I curse my shyness because I know that it's kept me from meeting and becoming friends with so many people.

I still have trouble accepting my name. It gets very tiring to have people cough up a lung when trying to say my name.

I'm shocked when I think back to how much hard-earned money I just let slip down the drain when I was in high school. And when I think of my parents hard-earned money that I squandered when I was in college.

I sometimes feel like I'm going to be a sub forever and never move out of my parents house.

Sometimes I wish I could live in the fantasy world of my stories. Oh man, that would be nice.

There are times when I wonder if a guy will ever find me attractive or fall in love with me.

I've lost a great many friends that I wish I hadn't lost- some through no fault of my own and others through faults of my own.

There are definitely more but it's late and this is all that comes into mind right now. But where am I now is my life. I've created it through the decision that I've made and I know that in the larger scheme of things, God has destined all of this to happen. So I should be satisfied. And at times I am. But sadly, most of the time, I feel a great deal of regret.

Sigh.....